The Bean

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It turned out that there would be more to this Battle Call…affectionately known as The Bean. And she was born perfectly petite.

My mom says I shouldn’t be surprised. Like the apple that doesn’t fall from the tree-She’s kept us on our toes from the get. Some might call it spirited. We affectionately call it fierceness.


But, the journey of being thrown for loops with this squirt began long before she entered the world outside the womb.

Even though we only had a lengthy list of boy names, when we found out we were pregnant with a baby girl, we were stoked. Harper Asbury~Would be her name.

Despite our firstborn baby having hearing loss and all that had meant, the idea of having another child, who probably would be born hearing,  had us on cloud-9. Mind you, I never studied statistics. 1:4 seemed like good odds to me. I chose to gloss right over it.

Whatever we were dealt, I told (convinced) myself, we could and would deal with. We would wait until she was born and go from there.

Then.

Three days before our baby Battle’s cochlear implant surgery, whilst 4 months pregnant with the Bean, we got the call. The routine quad screening came back; it suggested a high probability for Downs Syndrome. Naively, we hadn’t even worried what the screening was for.

It was routine, after all.

We decided not to wait. Already having had one child born with special needs, and dealing with it weeks after his birth (at our most vulnerable time), was… ummm…tough; We wanted to know. Then, we could prepare for what it might mean.

The silver lining. Now, opting for an amniocentesis, we could also get the genetic testing needed to check for the syndrome that caused the hearing loss in our son.

Easy~peasy.

We would have peace of mind that this baby would be born with hearing.

I don’t even remember the procedure. I suspect I was too overwhelmed to comprehend it all.

{Sigh} She did not have Down Syndrome.

The genetic testing for the other would take longer.


Weeks passed and we were consumed with our son’s post-surgical complications. Nausea. Literally bringing home a human weeble~wobble. Next, infection;  followed by hospitalization. Lab coats. IV’s. Hell.

Too distracted to even think twice…did she or didn’t she…have hearing loss?

Then it came. Driving the hour ride, ironically, returning from auditory verbal therapy with my newly implanted toddler.

“Can you schedule a time to come in for the results,” the soft spoken genetics expert asked? I pulled over.  Sitting in a parking lot. “JUST. TELL. ME!”

The rest of the conversation is a blur.

An overwhelming feeling of grief washed over me. From the inside~out. How. Could. This. Be. Happening?  AGAIN.

I knew what it meant. I couldn’t play dumb. The doctors visits, surgeries, infant hearing aids, worry.

All.of.it.

I couldn’t act like a pro nor did I want to. I wasn’t the poster child just because of how well versed we were in IT all. We were currently living in the fog and now… we would have to experience it all over. Again.

I immediately began a process of grieving. The loss of the life that I had imagined for her. For us.

Big stuff. Sure. But the small…

A kid in the bath or pool or ocean that could hear a splash, the rain, a wave.  Little eyes, that would track and turn to my voice. Hear my lullaby.  A whisper. A bird. The baby I would take out, without stares, curious to figure out why this little-bit baby was wearing those huge things on her ears.  The sideways looks…

What was wrong with her?

Grief for not being given a chance at mainstream motherhood. The normal way. Like most people I knew.

And then Labor Day came. This little Bean was born. Entering the world with complete gusto. And, we rolled up our sleeves and charged on. Ass down, chin up.


With a little retrospect I was able to be grateful for having that screening which led us to the testing; finding out before any action, other than digestion and marinating, needed to take place.

I was able to let go of what I had imagined, or wished, or longed for.

And accept.

She was designed perfectly, imperfect in a petite little package. 

She was our Bean.

 

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6 Thoughts

  1. Sitting here with tears streaming….even knowing “the rest of the story” reliving it from your perspective as a new mother when what I observed at the time was a brave face and a strong mother dealing with challenges that were heart breaking. You really have talent as a writer and I hope when your world slows down a little that your will publish your journal so the “world” can embrace your unique motherhood journey. Love you and thanks for sharing.

    1. Thank you! I know I’m not a Carter Girl, but I feel like every woman in our family has a little warrior in her! Thank you for being there during many of those tough times. Love you.

  2. Love this , I didn’t know you when the kids were small and you were going through all of this, so amazing for you to share , so many people hide there emotions instead of putting them out there, good for you ! By time I met you family all I ever saw was a confident mother , an amazing advocate and so much LOVE!

  3. I really loved reading this. I wish I had asked my mother how she felt raising a child with hearing loss. She always made me feel like everything is normal and that I was normal. I went to regular school and had hearing friends all my life. My mother has passed away now. But I’m sure she probably worried as well. I’m sure she was also happy that I turned out just fine! And By the way We are fortunate for this day and age for cochlear implants!

  4. Thank you for reading and sharing! I am sure like most mothers, we worry because we want the best for our kids. I know my kids will be just fine! And yes, we are blessed the technology is available to provide the gift of sound!

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