Intuition 

Trust it. It’s real.

Maybe having my Dad die when he was only  fifty-years-old allowed me to entertain the possibility that, I too, might get cancer.

I knew.

Breaking into tears, surrounded by girlfriends, on a run years prior to my diagnosis. Fearing; I might have it. Something wasn’t right.

Months past. But with gentle nagging from my accountability partner, I finally made an appointment.  It wasn’t until the end of that meeting, I casually mentioned the strange symptoms I was experiencing.

She ordered the tests.

After a colonoscopy (because of my family history) and upper scope… I was  squeaky clean. Breath.

The anonymous doc, who did the procedure, asked-in passing-why we were doing this? I told him my symptoms. He suggested an ultrasound.

Weeks past.

I eventually called.

Thyroid ultrasound. And, Radiology found nodules.  Next, Schedule with an ENT.

Bingo. Opted for needle biopsy. I thought natural childbirth was scary.

That sucked. Hurry up and wait…

The call came.  pupillary carcinoma. Ok. Perfect. Not by accident-my Mommy was visiting me. Military orders 3000 miles from home, with a spouse that would soon deploy to Afghanistan… I couldn’t believe it.

At least it’s curable. “Very good cancer to get”, they kept saying. I didn’t feel entitled to be scared. Or mad. Or anything.

So, the surgeon cut it out. Waking up with a slash across my throat and a secret fear.

I fucking have cancer. I have two kids with special needs. What if…?

What followed was a series of secret lows. I knew I should be grateful; every time I traveled to the Cancer Center,  I was the lucky one with the “easy one” while others were bald, in wheelchairs and/or emaciated.

So I bottled it.

And now…

Here I sit. Three years later. Cancer free.

I am only beginning to truly digest the gravity of how that diagnosis effected me; As a mother and wife.  Moreover, how IT changed me.

I had fucking cancer.

At least it was a good one…

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